Misery

I twist and turn, from this side to the other.
I'm not comfortable.
Sleep seems to be far from comforting.
I know what this phenomenon is.
It's not talking to you for a whole day and missing you.
But it doesn't seem to affect you, does it?
You are the same old jolly you.
But where is that jolly me?
Who could sleep on a rock without a problem.
Who would not care about some idiot who didn't value her and move on.
Who was, if not independent, atleast self-content.
Who believed that she needed no-one to make her happy.
Where is she? 
I don't like the monster you've created out of me.
Living on your attention like a parasite.
I love you so much that not talking to you for a day is killing me.
I know that i am my own poison but still why don't I change?
I am tired of trying to change who I am, again and again, little by little.
But, nothing seems to be enough.
Why don't you change?
Why don't you try to help me?
Why don't you care when I foolishly try to avoid you to check if you even care!
Why don't you know my habits?
Why don't you remember that I'm waiting for you to get home to talk to you?
Why don't you miss me, at all. . .
Why am I the only one who has to go through these miseries?
Crying through the night because the night is never-ending  and so is my wait.
Why can't I just go to sleep and pretend that these are nightmares.

Jokes? Is that what they are called. . .

Why do I take everything you tell me to heart?
I know you're joking, but for you it must be an art.
You pierce me with your staggering words and act like you're immune to mine.
You disappear into the wild and make me so frustrated that everything seems in vain.
I try to avoid you, stay away from you, ignore you but all for what?
so that my heart will suffer in pain? and you laugh it off as a silly joke.
What worries me is not your silly jokes but it's my carelessness that let's my temper slip,
makes my heart race and my brain go wild. Every thing about you disgusts me, I don't even want to see your face, but it's so perfect how can I look away?
I'm pathetic,  I know you don't have to make it so obvious!
You push my self esteem lower and lower I can barely face myself in the mirror.
I scream SCREW YOU at the thought of you and cringe at myself but how can I let such a person bully me?
'Ever heard of loving yourself? forget that bitch and head the other way. '